Do you know who you are? Do you know whats happened to you? Do you want to live this way?

 I just watched the Grey's Anatomy episode where Christina has her "what if?" with Owen and it always leaves me in shambles. 

I never dwell on the "what if", I normally obsess over the past and my reality. Every time this episode comes up I have the need to journal my pros/cons of any dreams I have. I don't have many relationships to navigate right now and it makes me spiral into the stupid thought of ending up alone, settling for something worse, or maybe finding my purpose. 

Im welcoming thoughts/situations that are challenging for me considering thats how you grow; however, this idea that one moment can alter every single other moment is maddening! I would not be pursuing my dream in music if it weren't for One Direction. I would not be living in Tennessee if I had not met my friend who told me about the school. 

It makes me think of the negative situations I have gone through that have finally exposed their silver linings. I would not have my best friend if we had not both experienced an awful friendship. I would not be so cynical while simultaneously knowing what I deserve without experiencing a brutal friendship breakup in college. 

I guess it's just scary to put so much weight on your choices each day. I know I should not think that way because of my raging anxiety and need to defy conformity. I wish I could think about things normally, but I cant help but weigh every single decision since 5pm. 

This got away from me, but growing pains are real. Christina is moving to Switzerland as I type this. 

"All it takes is one person, one patient, one moment, to change your life forever. It can change your perspective, color your thinking. One moment that forces you to reevaluate everything you think you know."